Once again... over and over again.

 Today I had an anxiety attack... again.

I do not know if it was part of my depression episode or... because this fucking month took me backwards. I was feeling like possessed. Sad and lonely most of the time and with a lot of thoughts about the past year.

No one deserve to feel bad about themselves because of another one who didn't love them.

And no one deserves to be the "collateral damage" of someone trying to figure it out life.

That's my case but not anymore.

The sign is clear. I asked God and the universe for help.

I feel other wise a minutes ago.

You know, have to love myself more... or just to love myself.

I have to forgive.........me, the times that is going to be necessary.

And forgive the others that caused me a lot of pain, and even the process and the situation.

I have to accept finally that. 

That doesn't mean that I'm not going to recognize the pain, the hurting... the shattered state that comes along since I decided to get involved with that person.

That -----I don't put those words again, not even and adjective for him. I AM TIRED.

TIRED Of forcing myself to forgive and forget. Of forcing to be good with it.

I conclude that this healing process was not linear. 

But now one thing is certain: I'm alive.

I have to accept that he hurt me. I have to accept that he didn't have a minimum love for me. I have to accept that I was used and dumped. That I was not even a little bit important to care.

I have to accept that it still hurts me a lot.

I have to accept that I'm jealous; I have to accept that I'm still shattered and that makes me furious because he moved on with his fucking life. And of course, not even have a little bit of compassion or caring move for me. He left me for someone else... or he didn't? that he was with her all the time and waited until it was formal to dumped me? I don't know.

A year has passed and I'm still shattered... and don't think is fair. And more over, because he told me that I was so difficult to please and always make me fee that I was so difficult to love. And it was just because he was not honest and sincere... he made me fall in love with him and then; he was conscious about it, he began to be apart. Less and less attentive with a minimum glances of tender actions... and of course, the cried because he didn't want to hurt me... but still treated me that way.

If someone doesn't want to hurt you, he just doesn't. Its a lie saying that is a part of the human nature.

Look at it. For him "IT WAS MY FAULT FOR BEING UNLOVABLE", but the truth was that he probably was in love with someone else... and made me feel guilty for being me.

But I admit that is all about me. And of course, if you are reading this maybe have the "obvious" question... but for me getting through this... it was not so fucking easy.

I have to move on. FOR REAL.

I deserve great things.

I'm a loving and lovable person and I DON'T LET ANYONE TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME... 

N E V E R.

Please God... help me to move on FOR REAL AND FOR GOOD. To move on with my life.